Honestly, I don’t know how to feel anymore. That numbness inside of me yet the pain, the suffering, and the longing still lingers all over me. To belong to a family. To be me. To be full. Everything.
All my life, I try to find my place. Just when I thought I have found my place, I find myself lost. Lost in a dark abyss. Deeper in the unknown.
Where do I belong? Do I have a family to belong to? That feeling of “unwantedness”. I just don’t belong. That feeling of rejection being slapped in my face endlessly.
Am I paying for my father’s mistake? What did I do wrong? I grew up longing for attention. For affection. For a family. I simply cannot find my place anywhere.
Moving to a different country seemed like a fresh start but I find it nowhere near that. I find myself longing for more. I look like my father so am I not getting the love I deserve because I look like the person everyone including me despise the most?
I was born in a different country with a different upbringing and a different experience and all that. Yet I was looked way differently than that from people who are from a place of diversity, let alone, my own family. Take note, I was told not to watch Pokémon because I am me. As a child, what is that supposed to mean?
Everyone got along with everyone but yet, I seem to be excluded from it up to now. So many things run in my mind and one of the reasons why I have felt unwanted is because of who my father is. All that build up emotions inside of me just keeps on piling up that I an beginning to explode in a destructive way when all I want is peace, harmony, love, and the sense of belonging.
Who am I? I knew who I was before. Now, I don’t. The only thing I know is that my daughter matters the most to me. Everything else is vague. Unclear.
Clarity. Fulfillment. Belonging. These are what I need. Along with assurance. Hate to say it but trust issues is with me.