Last Saturday, my sister married her best friend and the father of her greatest treasure. A small, intimate wedding her loved ones all witnessed in the beautiful paradise of Kapolei, Hawaii.
As my daughter and I’s first trip in Hawaii, it was a great pleasure to be a part of a milestone in her life. Also, it was a perfect time for us to not also celebrate the union of two families, but also Sophia and Anthony’s (my cousin) graduations – one graduating from elementary school, the other from high school.
Hawaii didn’t fail my expectations. If ever, it exceeded it. Congratulations 🎉🍾 to the newlyweds and the graduates!
We all have reasons for doing the things we do, but are these reasons justifiable? Everyone is going through something yet not everyone goes to places to shoot random people, let alone children. People who had absolutely nothing and no knowledge of what he is going through. What reason for claiming the lives of 19 INNOCENT kids and 2 INNOCENT adults is forgivable enough? Absolutely nothing. I don’t intend to be so negative about it, I just can’t find any reason to justify his actions and the mother’s plea for forgiveness for her son. As a mother myself, this is one of the many things I don’t condone to. And my child knows that. Don’t get me wrong, I have deep love for my child. That’s my child. Being that, it doesn’t mean I will ask for forgiveness in her behalf and try to justify her wrongdoings. Heck to the no. This is one of those types of tough love situations where – you commit the act, you suffer the consequences type of thing. I know the shooter’s parents are hurting because of his actions but am I sorry for feeling like this towards him? Nope.
Honestly, I don’t know how to feel anymore. That numbness inside of me yet the pain, the suffering, and the longing still lingers all over me. To belong to a family. To be me. To be full. Everything.
All my life, I try to find my place. Just when I thought I have found my place, I find myself lost. Lost in a dark abyss. Deeper in the unknown.
Where do I belong? Do I have a family to belong to? That feeling of “unwantedness”. I just don’t belong. That feeling of rejection being slapped in my face endlessly.
Am I paying for my father’s mistake? What did I do wrong? I grew up longing for attention. For affection. For a family. I simply cannot find my place anywhere.
Moving to a different country seemed like a fresh start but I find it nowhere near that. I find myself longing for more. I look like my father so am I not getting the love I deserve because I look like the person everyone including me despise the most?
I was born in a different country with a different upbringing and a different experience and all that. Yet I was looked way differently than that from people who are from a place of diversity, let alone, my own family. Take note, I was told not to watch Pokémon because I am me. As a child, what is that supposed to mean?
Everyone got along with everyone but yet, I seem to be excluded from it up to now. So many things run in my mind and one of the reasons why I have felt unwanted is because of who my father is. All that build up emotions inside of me just keeps on piling up that I an beginning to explode in a destructive way when all I want is peace, harmony, love, and the sense of belonging.
Who am I? I knew who I was before. Now, I don’t. The only thing I know is that my daughter matters the most to me. Everything else is vague. Unclear.
Clarity. Fulfillment. Belonging. These are what I need. Along with assurance. Hate to say it but trust issues is with me.
Spring Break this year was a bit different than the previous ones. For one thing, I scratched off one thing off of my Bucket List. On another, it was surprisingly a bit more relaxing and adventurous this time.
Our adventure led us to Indian Valley
Our sudden thirst for adventure led us to Indian Valley in California, an area that seems remote and is accessible only by driving through the narrow, steep, and windy slopes of the mountains. The trip there and back honestly felt extreme for me, especially for a first-time camper.
I enjoy nature but am not necessarily the “nature” type of gal, per se. My daughter however, is more adventurous than myself. Starting off her two-week spring break with such a trip definitely got her jumping with excitement!
It is safe to say that we survived our first camping trip. This adventure is something to remember and look back on in the future. I was asked if I would be willing to go again. Heck, why not? I wouldn’t mind. Fingers crossed, hopefully the road to get there and back won’t be as scary as this one.
Hubby and the guys decided to work on cars on my birthday and leave me thinking my day didn’t matter. Before the night ended, they barbecued for me and brought in the cake to wish me a happy birthday 🎂. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I was hoping for some sort of a celebration 🎉 but it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen. Yet, I would like to take the time to appreciate and be thankful for those who thought of me and wished me a happy birthday, especially those who attempted to do something for me to make my day special.
Are you receiving any benefits from the government? For example, are you a MediCal or Medicaid recipient? Receiving EBT/WIC/TANF or any sort of welfare benefits? Social Security income? Any governmental assistance gives you extra benefits that many already know but not everyone.
The LifeLine Program allows low-income families and government aid recipients to avail a free phone and service from any of the LifeLine carriers. Enjoy a smartphone with unlimited calls and text, as well as free data. Each company offering this benefits have different data allotment they give to their recipients for free. But because of the pandemic, these companies provide unlimited data as well for I believe, a limited time.
To me, the aim is to help people in case of emergencies, a form of contact we all can use. The program and smartphone are both free unless you want to upgrade your device, then there’s a charge for the phone you pick from their availability. Otherwise, the cellphone is completely free just as the service is.
All you need is a government-issued photo ID, proof of address, and proof of eligibility.
Just like in many places, our county’s experiencing a surge in Omicron/COVID cases. Since 2022 started, there were already quite a bit of positive cases reported in my daughter’s school, let alone her class. Thankfully, she’s been turning out negative whenever tested. Even so, the exposure is worrisome. Every exposure is.
In some places, they have temporarily shut down their schools or switched to virtual classes and distance learning. This is not the case in Vallejo CA, however. Schools remain open despite the surge in positive cases. It’s some relief that there’s the protocols on masks, sanitations, and such. But still, we can never be too sure as even vaccinated people get affected with the virus.
Hopefully, there will be extra precautions and actions made to ensure our safety, especially that of our kids.
This past week, I decided to work out more by means of outdoor walk. So far, I made it way better than all of my previous attempts combined all together. Four days of morning walks with the last only for a mile while the rest were over two miles is definitely record-breaking for me.
My morning walks are within the neighborhood I live in, usually past the school across the street since I start my exercise upon dropping of Sophia (my daughter) to school. This area is actually so much nicer than what most locals think.
Just around the corner is a private property with a small but decent beach that’s open to the public. That was my location on Day 1. On Day 2, I walked towards Cal Maritime Academy Drive but turned back around to walk the other side of the street until I went a little bit over 2 miles. Day 3 was an even longer walk, passing of the academy’s pool and gymnasium and entering the bridge’s trail. I thought of walking all the way to the middle of the bridge, which is the county line, until I made it to the pedestrian rest area. It has an amazing view of our area right next to Maritime Academy and the SF bay (as shown on the picture on top). Day 3’s morning walk totaled over 3 miles while the 4th day was the shortest one being only a little over a mile. I kinda explored on one of the streets just a couple times of blocks away, a street I haven’t tried walking to yet. Unfortunately, I needed to go home due to unexpected reasons, hence why it was my shortest walk. Otherwise, it would have also been over 2 miles.
I don’t make New Year‘s resolutions because of my belief of resolutions are meant to be broken just as most promises are. Most who have it give up before it’s completion or doesn’t even get started with it at all. So my sudden start of morning workouts by means is of outdoor walking definitely does not fall in the category. This is more of I suddenly woke up one day with the idea of doing so and just decided to do it several times over the week. After doing so, it wasn’t all that bad. I thought to myself, hey, I will do this more. My goal is a minimum of a mile, at least 3 days per week.
Maternal instincts run through her veins like blood. She’s a pro at it and it comes out naturally. She helped raise me since I was born just as she has for all of her nieces and nephews. There’s a special kind of maternal love only she can provide, hence the nickname I gave her – Momzy. Thanks for being the glue that holds us together and your undying unconditional love.